Yes to this! And the counter-approach doesn't have to be talking to them in whispery tones while plying them with Sad Beige toys. We can be messy and cranky and still support kids' autonomy. (As a middle school teacher and tired parent of a very sassy 4 year old, can confirm!) I wrote about this too, as you likely know: https://ryanroseweaver.substack.com/p/passing-on-an-ethics-of-permission
Excellent rant Brad! Only kidding but you have a passion for raising your kids. It's your turn to help them grow up and realize all their potential. They will have a lifetime to be adults so letting them enjoy being kids while they are young is a good strategy.
It makes me sad to read those links you posted. They can be quite infuriating too.
I'd say it's in large part a generational thing. I've been guilty of the same though: namely, squashing "sassyness" or "dissent" that come from poorly expressed feelings. It's not their fault our kids don't have the language to express the complicated feelings that trigger sassyness or loudness or however they are trying to express themselves. It's a tough world out there, it's a complicated thing to make sense of it. Hell, even we struggle with it. Nevertheless, it's my fault that sometimes I chose to react squashing or limiting their self-expression. It took me a while, it took therapy and a lot of self-examination, actually, to understand that I was parenting with the only tools I had available at the time: the way I was "parented". The only way I knew how to parent was the way my parents were with me and my brothers. I was applying the "techniques" of a previous generation, a generation shaped by a whole different world and worldviews, with an outdated sense of how to parent and an exagerated respect for authority. It takes a lot of effort to "unlearn" a few things and discern what to keep along with incorporate new stuff, new parenting education. In my case, it took years.
Don't worry about the length of this essay - for me you've put into it all the arguments that are convincing me to your point of view and having many examples and supporting writings is in my book making one's belief easier to defend or share.
I have memories of when being a small kid I quickly stopped speaking what was truly on my mind, because of two major reasons. First one being that the school system in Poland benefited those who "behave" (meaning doing as the teachers want and being "not rebellious"), which in later life changes for the social praise for conformism and not leaning out to confront the inconviences (that comeing from still strong in some groups "social formation" of the communism times). The second being my personality - being introvert and anxious, often succumbing to other's stance. Nowadays when I'm seeing or talking to small and outspoken children I'm feeling relieved and joyful, because the social perception of kids being honest changed drastically and rapidly over past few years and now there are more of them, so they can say things that would cause me serious consequences from my parents or teachers when I was their age.
As adults, we need to have the ability to look past the way our kids are talking to us and get to the root of what they're saying. It doesn't help anyone to ignore our kids' messages to us just because we thought the tone was disrespectful.
By the way, I love how you said that disrespect is our feeling, not theirs!
Yes to this! And the counter-approach doesn't have to be talking to them in whispery tones while plying them with Sad Beige toys. We can be messy and cranky and still support kids' autonomy. (As a middle school teacher and tired parent of a very sassy 4 year old, can confirm!) I wrote about this too, as you likely know: https://ryanroseweaver.substack.com/p/passing-on-an-ethics-of-permission
Related: https://rethinkingschools.org/articles/i-wont-learn-from-you/
Excellent rant Brad! Only kidding but you have a passion for raising your kids. It's your turn to help them grow up and realize all their potential. They will have a lifetime to be adults so letting them enjoy being kids while they are young is a good strategy.
It makes me sad to read those links you posted. They can be quite infuriating too.
I'd say it's in large part a generational thing. I've been guilty of the same though: namely, squashing "sassyness" or "dissent" that come from poorly expressed feelings. It's not their fault our kids don't have the language to express the complicated feelings that trigger sassyness or loudness or however they are trying to express themselves. It's a tough world out there, it's a complicated thing to make sense of it. Hell, even we struggle with it. Nevertheless, it's my fault that sometimes I chose to react squashing or limiting their self-expression. It took me a while, it took therapy and a lot of self-examination, actually, to understand that I was parenting with the only tools I had available at the time: the way I was "parented". The only way I knew how to parent was the way my parents were with me and my brothers. I was applying the "techniques" of a previous generation, a generation shaped by a whole different world and worldviews, with an outdated sense of how to parent and an exagerated respect for authority. It takes a lot of effort to "unlearn" a few things and discern what to keep along with incorporate new stuff, new parenting education. In my case, it took years.
Don't worry about the length of this essay - for me you've put into it all the arguments that are convincing me to your point of view and having many examples and supporting writings is in my book making one's belief easier to defend or share.
I have memories of when being a small kid I quickly stopped speaking what was truly on my mind, because of two major reasons. First one being that the school system in Poland benefited those who "behave" (meaning doing as the teachers want and being "not rebellious"), which in later life changes for the social praise for conformism and not leaning out to confront the inconviences (that comeing from still strong in some groups "social formation" of the communism times). The second being my personality - being introvert and anxious, often succumbing to other's stance. Nowadays when I'm seeing or talking to small and outspoken children I'm feeling relieved and joyful, because the social perception of kids being honest changed drastically and rapidly over past few years and now there are more of them, so they can say things that would cause me serious consequences from my parents or teachers when I was their age.
As adults, we need to have the ability to look past the way our kids are talking to us and get to the root of what they're saying. It doesn't help anyone to ignore our kids' messages to us just because we thought the tone was disrespectful.
By the way, I love how you said that disrespect is our feeling, not theirs!