I find this so fascinating as a mother because I’ve experienced the flip side of this: looking for mum groups that *do* have a niche so I can hold onto some shred of identity that isn’t solely mum but still has some mum-ishness to it. This is a good example of how the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Great article. While not Facebook, I noticed as soon as you become a parent you join a universal fraternity group of other parents, men and women, who are willing to talk about their parenting experience. It might be in a plane, a coffee break or a grocery line but we are connected by this universal parenting experience ( struggle). My babies are 32 and 30 and now I still talk to other parents daily about them only now it is grand-parenting or if they are doing ok in their jobs. Your Substack column is your surrogate Facebook group and therapist for now...😀
I think dads tend to struggle making “dad” part of their identity in the same way that you would make something like “cyclist,” “triathlete,” “crossfitter,” or “guitarist.” Mom’s don’t really have that same hang up -- or at least, not as often. Your Trojan Horse analogy is a good one, since you can sneak male camaraderie in amongst talk about your latest marathon training plan or best way to survey new bogs for snorkeling.
I’d bet there are others out there, near you, like you -- just too embarrassed to “only” identify as a dad to others!
I find this so fascinating as a mother because I’ve experienced the flip side of this: looking for mum groups that *do* have a niche so I can hold onto some shred of identity that isn’t solely mum but still has some mum-ishness to it. This is a good example of how the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Great article. While not Facebook, I noticed as soon as you become a parent you join a universal fraternity group of other parents, men and women, who are willing to talk about their parenting experience. It might be in a plane, a coffee break or a grocery line but we are connected by this universal parenting experience ( struggle). My babies are 32 and 30 and now I still talk to other parents daily about them only now it is grand-parenting or if they are doing ok in their jobs. Your Substack column is your surrogate Facebook group and therapist for now...😀
I think dads tend to struggle making “dad” part of their identity in the same way that you would make something like “cyclist,” “triathlete,” “crossfitter,” or “guitarist.” Mom’s don’t really have that same hang up -- or at least, not as often. Your Trojan Horse analogy is a good one, since you can sneak male camaraderie in amongst talk about your latest marathon training plan or best way to survey new bogs for snorkeling.
I’d bet there are others out there, near you, like you -- just too embarrassed to “only” identify as a dad to others!
I love your footnote about lawn mowing. I recently published an article about my push reel lawnmower. Guilty.